First of all, fair warning this is a cryptic post. No names are mentioned in order to protect the innocent (and guilty) and to avoid embarrassing anybody.
After the wonderful time at the Bloggerpalooza last week, I am experiencing a bit of a post traumatic stress syndrome melancholy. This always happens when I ramp myself up for a big event, especially when there a lot of folks involved. I love people; love to be around them and love to meet new people. To me the worst punishment in the world would be solitary confinement. Having said that, I am a very shy person. I am a severe introvert. That guy you saw last week at the Bloggerpalooza? Scared to death. That's why almost all of my iPhone photos are blurred. I could hardly hold the camera steady. Well anyway, that's not the point of this posting. I sometimes stray away. Here's the point, I'm slipping into the old Black Dog again. For several reasons.
Oh don't worry about me. I'll come out of this. I know how to do it, I've been here before. But for the next few days I'll have to grapple with this damnable Black Dog.
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| Me, Provincetown Sand Dunes - 1979 |
I'll explain now.
I think all of us at one time or another have an image in our mind of the perfect person that we would like to meet in life and spend the rest of our lives with. Many of us are fortunate enough to meet that person and have a very happy life. Some are not. I am one of the fortunate ones because at a very young age I met a man who swept me off of my feet and for the past forty-eight years has treated me like a prince. No one else has ever done that to me in my life. I was not initially attracted to this man but I grew to love him and still do to this day. I will never leave him, never. He is the only man in this world who I can trust and I care for him deeply. He would literally lay his life down for me. And I would do the same for him. We are and always will be totally devoted to one another until our death.
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| Provincetown, Mass - where I used to vacation every summer - 1979 |
Having said this, that doesn't mean that I haven't met others in my life that....I'm searching for the right word here......loved. Yes, several times in my life I have met that person who has caused me to think "what if?"
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| Me, 1979 - Provincetown, Mass. |
The last time this happened to me was over thirty years ago (1979). I met this man in Provincetown during my summer vacation from my banking job in Philadelphia. He was everything I could ever want or aspire to. Good-looking (gorgeous), caring, smart, popular and he adored me as I did him. When I was with him I felt complete. The lyrics to love songs now meant something. The world was brighter, more colorful. I was happy just to be with him. There was some "bed time" but ironically, we didn't spend much time in bed other than sleeping together at night. Our quality time was just being together. When he found out that we weren't really sexually compatible (oh he still turned me on but let's say I'm not that sexually versatile and leave it at that) I felt bad. He said "Don't worry about it, I would just like you to be with me this week." That sealed it. I was under no sexual pressure. He just wanted me to "be with him." Even talking about this thrity-four years later sends a wonderful feeling of acceptance through my entire body. He liked me, not for what I could do in bed but just for me. And I was thrilled just to be with him.
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| Me, Provincetown Bay - 1979 |
He asked me to move in with him. I had already rented an apartment for the week. Of course I left my apartment (no refund - didn't matter) and spent the week with him. The only downside was that he had a friend and former lover who had traveled with him and wasn't exactly thrilled that I moved in with him. He told me "Don't worry about it." I took his advice and his friend came to accept me as being the third person in their vacation hideaway.
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| Me at Angle's Landing (the apartment I always rented) Provincetown, Mass - 1980 |
My new friend used to work in Provincetown for many years and had come back for one last visit. He knew a lot of people and they were glad to see him. When some of them asked who I was he would say "This is Ron, he's WITH me." He didn't say I was his lover (a term used back in the day) or anything else other than "This is Ron, he is with me."
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| Me, Provincetown, Mass. 1979 |
For the next week I was the silent partner who went with him everywhere. To visit friends, going to the Tea Dance, laying on the beach or going out to dinner and of course sleeping together at night, no sexual acrobatics. We just spent time together. Oh there were kisses and when we went to dinner we would occasionally hold hands under the table or he would rest his hand on my thigh or I would do the same to him. We were "together." Of course I was almost always perpetually aroused (sorry my lady friends, no other way to describe it).
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| Angel's Landing - where I always stayed when in Provincetown - 1979 |
All too soon vacation ended. He asked if I could extend my vacation. Without hesitating I told him I could. I called my boss and told him I was taking a few more days off. My boss wasn't too happy and I felt guilty because I he was expecting me back but I knew this was a once in a lifetime thing and I knew it would never happen again in my lifetime. I knew it.
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| Me - Happy - Provincetown, Mass - 1979 |
This wasn't about lust (although he was a major hottie) but more of an emotional connection. We just clicked together. But he lived in California and I lived across the nation in Philadelphia. We both knew a lasting relationship was not possible, we knew it. When it came time to leave, we had our last meal (breakfast) at the Provincetown airport. I got on the small commuter plane. After I got myself seated I looked out the small window of the plane which was wet with rain and saw him standing there. I knew that was the last time I would ever see him in my life. He looked at me and gave a resigned half smile, knowing that we would part forever. I didn't want to believe that I would never see him again. I had his address and promised that I would write to him but somehow deep within me I knew he would never answer.
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| Me in Provincetown, Mass - 1979 |
As the plane turned to pull out of the airport he gave me a gentle wave and smiled. I waved back to him and then lost sight of him as the plane began to take off for Boston.
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| Me at Provincetown Airport - 1980 |
Arriving in Boston I had a sickening feeling in my stomach. Much like I do now. After arriving home I wrote to him immediately. And as expected I never heard from him again. I tried to look up his telephone number but how many Nick Brown's (his name) are there in California? A lot. I lost him.
The next several months were perhaps the worst in my life. They shouldn't of been because I returned home to my partner in life who I love dearly. I knew in my heart that I was being foolish. I tried to alleviate my pain by thinking of all those people who have a terminal illness. I thought of those people who never experienced love. I thought of those people who didn't have a loving partner. I felt guilty, which made me feel even worse. I had no right to feel sorry for myself and yet..........I just could not sustain an interest in anything because I was so consumed with "what could have been."
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| Me at Rehoboth Beach, DE - 2012 |
Of course I eventually came to my senses and got over my lost love. I promised myself I would never let that happen to me again. Over the years since then I've been pretty successful in my defenses for falling in love. I never forgot something that was told to me from an earlier incident when I felt myself falling in love with someone who I was involved with, he said he said "Don't go falling in love with me." The way he said it indicated that that was something he encountered before in his life and he just was giving me fair warning. He was quite willing to have an affair but no love. Although it hurt at the time hearing that, him saying that was probably the best thing he could have done because believe me, that attitude pretty well put me into my place. As I said, I never forgot what he told me but I can't even remember his name now or his face. He was successful, he knew what he was doing when he said that.
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| Me at sunset on the Broadkill River and my life - 2012 |
So here I am now, trying not to slip any further into the deep recesses of melancholia. I'm trying to sustain an interest in my usual activities but it is a struggle. Coming up I have some "activities" that I can't avoid. On April 5th I visit with my urologist and oncologist for my upcoming procedure on May 2nd. Prior to that Bill and I will take our annual road vacation down south to visit my brother in Greenville, South Carolina, graves in the western North Carolina mountains, and Bill's former hometown of Toccoa, Georgia.
I am pretty sure by then I will over my self induced sadness.
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| Me on a mountain top somewhere in North Carolina - 1994 |
But until then I will go through this "thing" again. That's what happens when I meet an angel.
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| That's wind blowing my shirt - makes me look fat (little humor here in this depressing blog posting) |
Note: I don't have any pictures of my "1979 Love" - don't know why. Just didn't think of it. I've regretted it ever since but I still remember his dark brown eyes and gentle smile. Nick Brown somewhere in California.
